Friday, July 30, 2010

A Letter I Needed to Read

This past Monday was my birthday. #28. I feel pretty good about 28. For some reason, it felt easier to turn 28 than it did a year ago when I turned 27 (which by the way, turned out to be maybe the most fabulous birthday ever, mainly due to the work of my creative and ever-so-thoughtful husband. Remember?) Despite the fact that I felt just fine (and rather thankful in fact) to be turning 28, it was actually a really horrible day. I’m not sure exactly what caused me to break. But, oooohhh, did I break. The specifics of my frustration centered around issues that seem to keep coming up with Wade…why is he not eating much at all again? Especially since we’ve removed nearly every allergenic food from his diet (no dairy, soy, eggs, or nuts!!!)? Why did Wade feel the need to throw his entire bowl of freshly prepared oatmeal all over the floor on the morning of his mother’s birthday? Why won’t Wade let me rock/soothe him to sleep? (I’d much prefer that over the predictable crying that drags on and on before most every nap or bedtime) When is Wade going to fall apart and become very demanding and behave in a way that I just don’t think I can handle? (admittedly, this is probably very typical of many toddlers, but it’s hard nonetheless) Oh, and while we’re at it, why did my parents need to give him back??!!!

{My morning actually started off great! Philip was up early to sweetly prepare this wonderful breakfast for me. I would post the recipe for the divine egg concoction, but hubby is asleep already, and only he has the recipe. I will tell you that there was prosciutto, mozzarella, and heavy whipping cream involved, and that it really was unlike anything I had ever eaten! Seriously, it was that good.}


In the madness of that day, I think I felt equally frustrated with myself that I couldn’t handle all of these things. Please tell me some of you can relate. The “things” themselves are bad enough, but then throw a mama into the mix who doesn’t have the patience, the love, the endurance to be the kind of mother she idolizes and aspires to be and you have a pretty messy situation.

On this day, I did not feel that Jesus’ grace was sufficient for me. I know that the right answer is that of course it was and it is, every day. But I really struggled, and I continue to struggle, with how to access that grace and have it become my experience in the nitty gritty of my day. I want to feel it, you know?

Well, I wish I could give you a little tidy wrap-up about how I’ve figured all this out, but instead I will leave you with the text of a letter I found on a new blog I’ve been reading—Emerging Mummy. It encouraged me and made me think about Jesus’ love for me, and that is always a good and much-needed thing. Perhaps it can do the same for you.

My Child,
You may not know me,
but I know everything about you.
Psalm 139:1

I know when you sit down and when you rise up.
Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways.
Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered.
Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image.
Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being.
Acts 17:28

For you are my offspring.
Acts 17:28

I knew you even before you were conceived.
Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation.
Ephesians 1:11-12

You were not a mistake,
for all your days are written in my book.
Psalm 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth
and where you would live.
Acts 17:26

You are fearfully and wonderfully made.
Psalm 139:14

I knit you together in your mother's womb.
Psalm 139:13

And brought you forth on the day you were born.
Psalm 71:6

I have been misrepresented
by those who don't know me.
John 8:41-44

I am not distant and angry,
but am the complete expression of love.
1 John 4:16

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you.
1 John 3:1

Simply because you are my child
and I am your Father.
1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could.
Matthew 7:11

For I am the perfect father.
Matthew 5:48

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand.
James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs.
Matthew 6:31-33

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope.
Jeremiah 29:11

Because I love you with an everlasting love.
Jeremiah 31:3

My thoughts toward you are countless
as the sand on the seashore.
Psalms 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing.
Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you.
Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my treasured possession.
Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you
with all my heart and all my soul.
Jeremiah 32:41

And I want to show you great and marvelous things.
Jeremiah 33:3

If you seek me with all your heart,
you will find me.
Deuteronomy 4:29

Delight in me and I will give you
the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4

For it is I who gave you those desires.
Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you
than you could possibly imagine.
Ephesians 3:20

For I am your greatest encourager.
2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who comforts you
in all your troubles.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4

When you are brokenhearted,
I am close to you.
Psalm 34:18

As a shepherd carries a lamb,
I have carried you close to my heart.
Isaiah 40:11

One day I will wipe away
every tear from your eyes.
Revelation 21:3-4

And I'll take away all the pain
you have suffered on this earth.
Revelation 21:3-4

I am your Father, and I love you
even as I love my son, Jesus.
John 17:23

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed.
John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being.
Hebrews 1:3

He came to demonstrate that I am for you,
not against you.
Romans 8:31

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19

His death was the ultimate expression
of my love for you.
1 John 4:10

I gave up everything I loved
that I might gain your love.
Romans 8:31-32

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus,
you receive me.
1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you
from my love again.
Romans 8:38-39

Come home and I'll throw the biggest party
heaven has ever seen.
Luke 15:7

I have always been Father,
and will always be Father.
Ephesians 3:14-15

My question is…
Will you be my child?
John 1:12-13

I am waiting for you.
Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad
Almighty God


  1. Oh boy can I relate. As I type one child is yelling "mommy" over and over and the other child is crying to eat, but I am ignoring them both because I don't feel like talking to one and my nipples hurt too much for the other :) Blogs are a great help in zoning out!

  2. Anne, I am so glad that you posted this. Yes, I can relate. And I cried when I read that post from Emerging Mummy. Isn't she amazing?
    Let's hang out. Soon. Jay is out of town this weekend... which means I might not be showering. Ha. I am not sure I will be at church on Sunday, but we'll touch base somehow.

  3. Oh yes, I can relate. On those kind of days all I can do is pray that God will protect my kids from being damaged by my sin. Someone once told me that the joy of motherhood is the greatest of joys, and the pain/bitterness of motherhood is the hardest of pains. (sorry, it sounded nicer in chinese...)

  4. I'm in the middle of a "breaking" kinda day myself, and so appreciate your honesty and humility, Anne. Thanks for not ending with despair, but yourself turning to truth and helping me do the same by the verses at the end of the post. Thankful for you, a mama a step ahead of me in this wild journey!

  5. Hello, new friend!

    I'm so glad I'm not the only one that feels this too. See, we're not alone! I am glad that you found comfort and love in that poem, like I did. Blessings on you! (Love your blog - your family is very lovely.)



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